Recently, I reread my old oversharing archive from Poptartbox 1.0. Something about these entries makes me want to reshare the archive here. They’re a good reminder to myself of how my life is constantly changing. I’d want future me to have the chance to remember this fact as well. However, I won’t be sharing every entry. Some are too private and better left in the past.

9/27/2022

Katawa Shoujo legitimately changed me. I played it around when it first came out, meaning I was only 8 or 9. Obviously, I was way too young to be reading a visual novel with hentai in it. But, I’m sort of grateful that I came across it at such an early age. Even recently, when I think about accepting other people despite their differences I have a sudden memory of playing this game. If you don’t know what the game is, it’s about going to a school for people with disabilities and dating one of the main girls. The way the game treated these characters was seared into my brain and now that’s just how I naturally perceive people in real life. I feel this the most when I’m interacting with other people and they reveal how shallow they see the world. Sometimes they just talk shit or feel so pitiful about the “retard” in question and expect that I feel the same. If someone has difficulty mentally, physically, or emotionally I just see them as a normal person, not something I have to remind myself to believe. It’s weird because maybe this isn’t supposed to be the case. You know how every kid in the world stares at the burn victim in the grocery store, that’s just how it is. But in my case, I’ll pass by someone and my friend will tap me on the shoulder and talk about their deformity I didn't even notice (This has actually happened multiple times). It has been a decade since I played this game and it’s still so ripe in my memory, I actually use the character’s names for things. I seriously wonder if this eroge is going to be in my mind for the rest of my life.

9/21/2022

I have feelings for them, I can admit this. I'm often frustrated about whether telling them or not. But every so often, I see something out of my scope. And after watching a simple Youtube video, I realize this: I will never love them like this fat man singing karaoke to his girlfriend on facetime. I mean this dude was swinging his shirt, pullin up a mic, gah damn sexy dancing. I don't see myself doing any of this for the person I like at the moment! And that gave me the conclusion I've been looking for all along, which is definitely not telling them and finding someone I will infact take my shirt off and sing to. And the best part is I actually see potential. I know for a fact, there are possible candidates now, in the future, whenever. The girl the guy was singing to was smiling ear to ear omg I want that so bad. I just need to be patient and wait for someone who'd like to do that with me too. I'm not gonna say I'm going to stop liking this person, but at least now I can focus my mind on something else and wait for the feelings to pass :)

I feel so much better getting that off my chest.

9/20/2022

I was fucking with this person because I thought it was funny but then after being pissed they got really comfortable with me because they had a hard time having real conversations with anyone else but then they got too deep into their personal life and kinda got me deep in my personal life so then I went back to fucking with them and then they were like "why are you fucking with me, every other part of you is great" so I said the truth which was that I think I'm hilarious and for some reason this translated as that I'm a good person to talk about their life to and then they became really racist against white people and before I could say anything they sent me a screenshot of someone calling them the N-word so it wouldve been bad timing and then I found out they were a girl my age while this whole time I thought they were an old neckbeard and it made me realize I forgot girls can be racist and then I found out they're actually really great and we both love art and actual relate a lot but they're still racist even though I agree with a lot of their political views which made me think "damn how far away am I from being racist?" and then the answer is that I'm still 0% racist because I'm white passing and I don't even hate white people anyways I'm writing all this because the chances of me talking to them after today are so low and I want to have a written document of their existence in my life before I forget ever meeting the racist anime girl of my dreams.

9/18/2022

I fell in love in my dream last night. It was a man that everyone rejected, violently. He was isolated and I showed him kindness and listened to him when no one else would. He became obsessed for my attention and I became obsessed for his. I felt very strong emotional love. So much so that when I woke up, I was depressed and bedridden from losing him. There was this motif, where when he was holding onto the hurt other people put on him, he would break out into black, ink-like hives. I felt like it was my job to stop them from growing and help him get back to normal. But I realized the more obsessed we became, he would actually get far worse. I was getting far worse too.

I know what this dream means. I know who he represents and why I experienced it so vividly. When I notice the black hives on people I know in reality, I'm sure his face will pop up. I still miss him, even if he isn't real.

9/5/2022

I once had two sharp, pearly, seductive canine teeth in my big ol mouth until the accident. I was such a fool, I chewed a water bottle and *clink* a chip of my tooth fell out of my mouth and I almost kneeled onto the ground crying. I was so overcummed by emotion, my beautiful tooth... Now today I chew a water bottle again and accidentally grace it on that very spot, reminding me of that traumatic moment. I'd give anything to have my tooth back in it's glory days. I'm certainly going to keep chewing things I'm not supposed to, but if I chip another one of my sexily sharp teeth, I might become an alcoholic again.

8/29/2022

I'm deeply afraid of the people I cut out of my life having children. I had a nightmare last night, I was a caretaker of neglected kids. I tried really hard to make them all happy amd provide rooms in my home to let them sleep soundly. Then I remembered an old friend of mine. In the dream I was in my late twenties which would mean I haven't seen them in about a decade. So I went to visit them, lo and behold, they were a disheveled mess and they had a trembling child. Panic ensues and after repeated attempts to save this kid, I realize there's nothing I can do.

I wake up after falling asleep like 6 times (each time was another try at saving the kid) I finally wake up for good and guess what I see as the first thing on my phone. A video about fucking child abuse that I didn't even click on.

Sometimes I want to keep people in the corner of my eye to make sure they stay in line. But I won't

I also feel so strongly about people who abuse kids that I want to do something about it. Something unconventional. But I won't for now.

8/26/2022

I feel like I'm standing in front of an open doorway. I can see a place that isn't enclosed in a room. In fact, the air is more crisp flowing in. But it's really bright, and my eyes aren't adjusted. So instead, I look back into the really small room behind me, with walls of growing mildew. The light flowing from outside makes all the details more revealing than ever before. It's actually a bit cozy and there are familiar faces that I can see far more clearly. They don't look as simply black or white like I'm used to, more leaning into different shades of grays. Even the most lovely and disgusting faces. Even if I can't see any clear faces outside the doorway, I want to walk through it anyways. I don't think many people inside the room will follow me, and that's more than okay. I want to go forward even if I'm blinded by the light for some time. I've spent long enough looking back and thinking. I'm going to walk through it right now.

8/17/2022

I just found out Fer.al has been closed down. It happened in February, and I just found out because I thought "woah I haven't checked that game in awhile since it was still in beta! I wonder how it is now! I made a couple good friends there!" The shock. Less because of how much I miss the game, but more because OF THE FUCKING AUDACITY OF WILDWORKS! NO WONDER I DID NOT KNOW, THESE MOTHERFUCKERS DIDNT TELL ANYONE BESIDES THE DISCORD SERVER AND SAID IT WAS ACTIVE IMMEDIATELY! THATS BAD AND UNPROFESSIONAL RIGHT?! WELL GUESS WHAT?! :D THEY SHUT IT DOWN TO REPLACE IT WITH A FUCKING NFT METAVERSE GAMEEEEEE HAHAHAHAAHAHA YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR AN NFT TO EVEN PLAY! 6 MILLION DOLLARS WAS FUNDED FOR FER.AL AND ITS ALL DOWN THE DRAIN FOR AN NFT SHITSHOW THAT WILL HAVE NO ONE TO PLAY IT. Dude, I literally started making online friends because of Fer.al. It's what caused me to download apps like Amino and Discord. Because I wanted to meet more people to play with. I don't even use them anymore but jesus, without Fer.al I literally would be an entirely different person. I really enjoyed that game. I've never met a fanbase that was more accepting and actually enjoyable to interact with. Thank the LORD there's a group of people making a fresh new game inspired by it. Maybe I can volunteer as a developer too, it could be fun~ even tho I'm not a furry like the rest of them.

8/13/2022

Bro what if I literally DIE? Like one day I just get hit by a car or have a heart attack or my brain randomly decides "kay thats far enough ig lol"??? Bro I need to make a will. Or like somewhere somehow have a note that reads, "pls for the love of god dont look through my phone or my computer, actually just wipe my computer clean and give it to some poor lil farm kid in iowa. And that one box of old diaries and artworks in the closet? burn it. Make a big bonfire instead of a funeral for me and have a wild time and invite the parrot wizard because he was such an inspiration to Rico. AND DINO DON." Bro when I was little I wanted to meet Dino Don and show him the personal encyclopedia I wrote. I have to share that encyclopedia here, I was a cute child genius. Anyways yeah in case I die young I gotta make something like that tbh. OR! I could make it like a mystery they gotta solve hehe.

8/13/2022

Humans are an entire mural rather than independent artworks that expresses clear, direct ideas. We're an ocean of fluid, changing murals that merge into one another. An individual's inclination to reject a person is a sick curse from God if there is one. Our lives are too short to understand every person we meet entirely. Which means that the ability to fully see your own effect on the world's mural is impossible. Your mind is pratically forced to focus on the art you believe is worth appreciating. When time is hung over our necks, and the fear of death follows behind, are you living if you let these setbacks cloud your vision? If you believe you only have the time to love the color red, what are you? Do you ignore the rest of the colors you set into the world? Does that mean, you yourself are red, or that you are blind? On the other end, if you believe God says the color blue is a sin, is it meant to no longer be in the world? Because blue is never alone, blue can become green or purple. So even if it is a sin, blue has a purpose to inspire a greater mural.

I don't believe people are true individuals. Your idea of yourself exists just as much as how others perceive you. Even if fear dictates you, it is your duty to yourself to wonder what is outside your perception. Ponder the things you hate and cherish in others and notice how each person has a different shade of that color. Why is it there? Is it something you have in yourself too? After all, when you meet someone they become part of you.

8/3/2022

Okay, a problem I didn't know I was gonna encounter: since good people are so alien to me, I feel misplaced when they show me affection. I immediately compare them with people I was used to before, which were bad obviously. I don't feel... as capable of having chemistry with them. It's easy when it's a friend I've known for years. But getting to know someone, and they show interest either romantically or for a deep connection as a friend, I feel wrong. Actually it's a turn off! Gonna be real with it, it's not boring per se more like we're playing an act. One of us is just waiting for the moment to take off our mask and go "Boo! Gotcha!" and it'd be exciting! Except I don't have a mask to do that anymore, and neither do they. I want to feel capable of healthy relationships, I don't want to want an emotional rollercoaster. I've been forcing myself a lot to stick with what makes me uncomfortable in a good way. When I feel spooked by people being nice to me, I stay. When people just have normal conversations without ulterior motives, I stay. It's odd. Makes me want to go running to an old pal and scream "Oh how I missed the way you treated me badly!" It was so easy for me to cut people off until I realized that the day I finally was surrounded by good people, that I would want to go back. phew- okay, here we go: STOP DEFENDING THEM AND SHUT UP! FUCKING HELL, GO PLAY ON YOUR LITTLE FICTIONAL FARM OR SOMETHING, GET A DAMN JOB! YOU WONT HAVE TIME TO EVEN THINK ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE WHEN UR ON THE GRIND! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO DATE RIGHT NOW! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN ON ABOUT??? GAH DAYUMN. I CAN'T STAND MYSELF SOMETIMES. ISTFG IF FUTURE ME IS READING THIS LOOKING FOR A SIGN TO NOT TEXT OR SEE THEM, THIS IS IT. STFU AND GO TO SLEEP, MAKING DECISIONS PAST 9PM IS ILLEGAL ANYWAYS AND YOU KNOW IT DAMN WELL. FUCK.

7/25/2022

I HATE PETER GRIFFIN I HATE HIM. I HATE THAT STUPID FUCKING LAUGH AND HIS FACE AND HIS DESIGN AND EVERYTHING.JUST THE SIGHT OF HIM MAKES ME ENRAGED. I HATE PETER I HATE HIM! FUCK MEG TOO AND THAT ONE EPISODE WHERE STEWIE AND BRAIN ARE WEIRDLY AND UNCOMFORTABLY GAY. I HATE FAMILY GUY HIS LAUGH IS STUCK IN MY HEAD LIKE A NIGHTMARE. JOE IS OKAY. FUCK PETER GRIFFIN.

7/24/2022

Yesterday I was listening to a conversation between two guys that were arguing about their friendship. They're total strangers to me but it was interesting to get a glimpse in what relationships are like for other people. One of them was arguing that it's impossible for them to grow as a person fast enough to be better to the people around him currently. The other one was arguing that they tried to be there for him but was closed off. The first said that they were never really friends at all and the second said they weren't given the chance. Which is weird because the 2nd person was the one cutting ties. I didn't pick sides in the interaction, but even as someone that never met them, I can see that the way they treat people was a bit strange and alien to me. They both have entire lives I would never mend well with, one is victimizingly toxic and the other was too aloof to put in effort that he doesn't see a benefit from. Yet they both considerably have a friend group. What kind of people are compatible with their flaws? How do things develop for people like that? One thought I had was that I must be a better friend than I thought I was because I couldn't see myself treating someone as badly as they both did. But then I thought, maybe my flaws are just more compatbile with some people than others. I still do some shitty things sometimes, and my friends do some shitty things sometimes, but there's an agreement to forgive it and move on or do the same as those guys and cut ties. Well maybe that's not accurate, I feel like I'm always the one that cuts ties. Why is it that I cut ties and then others are deadset on saying things will change when you know it really wont? Like that first guy said, some people can't change fast enough for the people they are currently with. That kind of thing takes so much hard work and dedication that I feel like is too much for people to handle. In my mind, it's better to end things and allow each other to find people that they work better with. Because there is sonething in our unconcious minds that draws us to be closer with some people more than others. I wish I could get a real answer from the other side of the coin. Why some people fall more towards the desperation to fix things. Even in my first breakup I still wanted time on our "break" to be apart without interacting too much. Of course I still wanted to discuss or argue or anything to know what went wrong, but my mind was more accustomed to being away. Now I'm honestly trying to understand myself at the moment. I asked to know what the other side is like but I don't even know why I'm like this. Ever since listening to those guys I've been thinking about the friendships that I cut off and what person I was before I did it.

7/18/2022

I am literally making myself sick by overworking. I've spent the entire damn day learning about art theory and painting and then doing mechanical work so I was like "shit I should actually take a break so I don't fuck up my hands because I've been giving myself so many calluses." But then I sat down finally and I felt like something was wrong so my brain jumped to "hey I should work on that app I was programming so I'm not unproductive!" GOD DAMNIT, it's literally so fucking hard for me to just relax, I can't play games or watch shows or do anything unless I feel like I'm being productive. I keep exhasting myself and cramping up all of my muscles because I cannot get myself to relax ever. I just need 30 MINUTES to not fill my brain with complex issues. For the love of god, I am going to force myself to watch a movie and no matter how badly I want to leave, I am going to fucking watch that movie. I'm not going to write a review. I'm not going to do anything while I watch it. I am going to enjoy watching the movie because watching movies is fun and I need to heal my hands.

7/18/2022

I still feel like I haven't thanked you enough. I want to go back and thank you again, but I feel like the best way to show my gratitude is to keep moving forward.

7/14/2022

...I should take them out of my contact list. Along with a lot of other people. I'm starting to have some pretty bad ideas ahaha. I've noticed a rise in my riskiness and willingness to make bad choices for enjoyments sake. I haven't been like this in awhile, and I know I might not be able to trust myself. Knowing that... Will I deter away from any fun?

7/13/2022

I need to find someone else to fall in love with. Every song I listen to is tied back to someone I once knew, and I dance every time I feel any kind of emotion. So it's a loop of remembering how I feel about them, dancing it out to exhaust myself, and then listening to music that I heard back when I knew them. I hate it so bad. A few times I just wanted to say how I feel and then dissapear forever. But that wouldn't fix anything. In truth, I think they've known before even I did. Or maybe they just hoped that was the case. I'm also worried that the person reading this will think it's about them, they have all the reason to think it's about them. But I feel guilty knowing who it really is.

7/12/2022

I started falling into really bad depression again. Extreme jealousy of other people's lives, hopelessness and rejecting the idea that I'm not alone, thinking constantly about how to revert back into an impenetrable state, where I'm too dissociated with reality that I can't feel anything. It's kinda good that I already know what living like that is like. Tried it once, obviously failed and was worse than just being depressed. I'm also combating loneliness at the same time. But I already know the right way for me to deal with that. Would rather have very few, if any, good people that I'm friends with, than falling back to people I know aren't the type I'm meant to be around. That's about the softest way I can say that phrase, "aren't the type I'm meant to be around." I'm not even sure what I really mean by that. The main point tho, is that I can fall back to people I used to know, easily. In fact, it's easy for me to make friends too, I'm plenty extroverted, I always find my way into being a main component of all my friend groups, and a lot of people I meet say that I'm irreplacable to them. But god, I've tried so many times to meet good people. I don't want to replace my loneliness with guilt ever again. I just don't know what to do, because my isolation is only feeding into my depression. There's just some sort of barrier. I don't want to get close enough to people that they can reveal they were awful all along. But I have nowhere to feel any closeness at all, which is my fault, I'm the one who's not allowing people to get that close. I wonder if that guy still thinks about me. He told me he was really, really in love with me. Then after I told him to go to sleep, I just erased him out of my life entirely. Didn't even say goodbye. It's because we made each other sick, and it wasn't right, I couldn't do that to him. But I remember one time he said I was as special to him, as someone else was as special to me. And I think about that someone else constantly. Maybe I'm wrong, and people are just supposed to hurt each other in all their relationships. You're supposed to watch your friends do awful things and just stick with it because you're special to each other. Even if that's true, and I'm hurting myself by leaving all these people, shutting out everyone from my life, then I still don't want any part of it.

6/19/2022

Did you know some medications can cause tremors? I thought I was getting fckin tourette's or something but I looked it up and it might be my Normal Pills™. Which is fine, I would literally accept any side effect of my meds because they're that important for me and I only need em for a few years probably. It's just annoying because even before I started taking em, I always had a tic from slamming my head into a wall and dislocating my neck some years ago. Except now it's way more often and it's like a hiccup so I know I'm about to do it before it happens and I'll be in the middle of a conversation and it's the worst. But I also have weird limb spasms sometimes and it's freaky seeing your body do something you're not controlling but it only lasts like 10 min tops. Anyways this is all relevant because I was in the middle of a lil spastic episode when a massive spider just decided to land on me from the ceiling and crawl all around. I'm not that scared of spiders but I was still shocked especially when I was already dealing with myself and I couldn't even knock him off of me at the moment so I just jumped across the table in desperation. Then when he was on the ground I decided to check if he was aight and the fucker started taunting me! He started raising his arms up in my direction and flexing his fangs like he was gonna pounce, when he was the one bothering me not the other way around. Like what the hell! I couldn't even bother moving him anywhere else I just left, hopefully he found a spot to live and not be a nuisance.

6/18/2022

Ayo you ever feel like ur bloodflow changing temperature or something? Like when a shocking moment happens and the blood drains from ur face and suddenly your legs are warm but like the rest of your body goes cold? Yeah I'm fucking tired of that happening over like super mundane things like getting texts from hot people or when im about to get hit by a car. Like man it's not cool to go into fight or flight over the lamest things smh and then when something big is actually happening my body is just "aight ig this is cool idk." Like god damn it. Anyways I write this because my brain went dizzy and my legs got numb over something I knew was gonna happen anyways! On another note, (I'm writing to chill out) "The Way I Are" is a lyrical masterpiece that i've been listening to at least once daily. It is so fucking good. It improves my mood no matter the situation. If the world had a soundtrack I want it to consist of an endless loop of this song. Please if you're reading this and know more songs of this taste tell me. Please. I'm probably gonna write more about how I love this so so much in another page. It's just that good.

6/17/2022

This is the only page that really matters, it's the very reason I even thought of making this site. The rest is just extras for you and I to have fun. I spent like the entire day making it along with art I want to add here. I think it'll be pretty good as time goes on. Gives me a project to keep my mind busy, which is something I was literally talking about with a friend not that long ago. I need something to be involved in, for reasons. Very important reasons. I'm done for now though, maybe I should play a game for the remaining 2 hours I'll be awake today.